My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
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[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Bobby pin
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Baller is short for ballerina
😂😂
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’