Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
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Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.