*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
You Might Also Like
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Tell the colonel to bring it
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.