My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
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Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
be careful
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.