(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
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Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Good morning
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered