My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
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“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.