“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
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the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
The Compass
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.