British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
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Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix