Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
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Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
how to market bottled water to dads
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”