[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
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Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
it’s either covid or clever vampires
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Pandas 🐼🖤
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
@funTweeters
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.