wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
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The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler