My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
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No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Van Gone
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move