Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
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Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
mom had nothing to worry about
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*