My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
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Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
LOL!
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
When he asks for feet pics
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?