My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
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To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.