My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
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Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
relationship goals
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?