My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
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ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
when someone rings the doorbell
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Oh yeah that’s it
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?