@TheCiscoKidder: My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn't find it so we're outside watching the house burn.
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@david8hughes: [wakes up & turns to wife] "I had a nightmare. You died." "Aw. It was just a-" "Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast."
@AristotlesNZ: A guy once told me life's too short to stress, but it turned out that life's much shorter for people who give advice to stressed out people.
@STEELERS1972: So I met this hooker who said she'd do anything for ten bucks . Guess who got his yard cut?