a lot to unpack here
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Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
i really liked this one
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap