My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
You Might Also Like
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*