My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
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The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
put ‘er there pardner!
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…