My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
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I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂