My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
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In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story