I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
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Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON