My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
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They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming