My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
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Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.