@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won't be majoring in history.
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@lisaxy424: [someone breaks into the house] Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
@TheCiscoKidder: Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, "Are you taking a video?"
@SteveSuckington: Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive