My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
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[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
how to have an accident 101
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Husband of the year 😂
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE