Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
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I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Still my favourite meme.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights