My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
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*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Ion see the issue
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Come back with a warrant
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.