My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
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let’s discuss
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.