My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
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FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.