My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
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I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.