My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
You Might Also Like
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
After 35, your body ages in dog years
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body