@House_Feminist: My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I'm going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
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@TheAlexP: *dog pokes me with nose* *stop, it's late* (Dog looks at me with sad eyes) *ugh, ok* [sets up poker table for him and his friends]
@ericsshadow: "Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn't have stolen all your jewelry."
@iRowlf: When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says "I'll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy"