@_sshaikhh: Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did 2000: deux mille 2001: deux mille un 1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

@totmessmom: We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

@mattsurely: [couch shopping] Wife: Eh, you married to it? *a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn't notices the couch's wedding ring*

@Jarhead44: My ex just followed me on Twitter. That said: "Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary." *BLOCKED*

@causticbob: Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet