@PaperWash: GF: I think I'm gunna start a Twitter account Me: *whips head around* I'll help you set it up! *Grabs GF's phone and hurls it into the Sun*

@Jason_Horton: I'm getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like "sorry I'm married" then it's "leave me alone I'm married" I mean which is it

@DatManGood: My kid: "I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them" Me: "And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?"

@squirrel74wkgn: If my wife comes to bed nude it's ON, but when it's me at the end of the bed naked she's all "what are you doin, we're at Mattress City."

@rorynotroy: the early bird gets the worm but so does the bird that gets outta bed around 1pm because there are plenty of worms out there believe me