My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
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I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*