@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
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@tastefactory: [on plane] Me: It's ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I'm a hippo btw Me: Nooooo
@Bob_Heller: Party Tip: At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
@teacup_giraffe: I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you're right fellas, men are smarter than women.
@hippieswordfish: 'welcome to subway how can i-' ME:*punches counter*WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID 'sir-' M: IS IT HIS PISS