@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
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@brownbear952: Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.
@JumbledButts: STEVE: "Wanna go star gazing tonight?" ME: "What is that? Like a sci fi movie?" S: "No we watch stars." M: "Wars or Trek?"
@YesItsAl: I'd like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
@slimmy_shady: Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how'd you know I teach fat kids?!