My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
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If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas