People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
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Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I was just discussing this with my cat
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…