My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
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[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
ibopfufen
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on