My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
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My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*