My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
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[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
oppen heimer style lol
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?