My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
You Might Also Like
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?