I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
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writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!