@ElleAys: My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I'm fearful of her college days.
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@NintenDom: Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they're trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
@Beatonm5: He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
@MUMSIEesq: Give them a Cheesecake Factory gift card this holiday season so they know you "grocery store checkout line" love them
@Sickayduh: Nurse: Taking you back into surgery. Something was sewn inside you. Me: What? Can I talk to the surgeon? [from my stomach] I'm right here