*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
You Might Also Like
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)