If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
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Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
We need more people like this.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right