Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
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I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work