Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
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Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
But is it really??
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before