My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
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Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Good news
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
The devil.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?