My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
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boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Worth a try
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
john wicks are toilet candles
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Guilty! 🤪
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*