My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
You Might Also Like
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.