Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
This is a sub tweet
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer